November is a month to endure. I'd rather not think of a day or week as something to endure, and certainly not a month, but November? Sorry, November, you just kind of suck sometimes. The stars and stripes wave with pride, even way over here in Doha. They don't literally wave the American flag over here, but social media makes me feel right at home as we celebrate our veterans. To many, those flags signify gratitude for the brave servicemen and servicewomen who risk their lives for our freedom. And I am grateful. Don't hear me saying I'm not. It's just that this day and this time of year dredge up other memories for me. November is the month the world lost my brother. I say the world because he wasn't mine. He wasn't just my brother. He wasn't just my loss. His departure from this place was a loss to many. And those waving flags, they're all I remember seeing the day Aaron took leave of this place.
Because Pixar is far more clever than I am, let's talk about Sadness. This is the fourth November I have had to have a talk with Sadness. I tell her again and again, "Stay in your circle, Sadness!" No one likes Sadness. Every November, Sadness wins. But this one year, I might be okay with that win. I'll tell you why. All the other days, all the other months, I work and I play and I grocery shop. I teach, I prepare meals, I call home a couple times each month, I do laundry, I clean, I dream of future vacations and sometimes even get to plan them. I live. If I'm honest, Aaron rarely crosses my mind.
But, November. November won't have any of it. Sadness makes me think of him, and thinking of him isn't such a bad thing. I'm learning, as each November passes, how to do it better. I think of the times he made me mad. No one could or ever will be able to make me mad like he could. I think of the times he made me laugh. Gosh, he was funny. I think of his passion for wildlife, for his friends, for his dog, for life. I think of his great big belly laugh. I think of how he didn't care if weevils infested his spaghetti noodles. "Just boil 'em. The weevils will float to the top; you can just scoop 'em out." Gross. So gross. And, as Pixar taught me, without Sadness, I wouldn't think of any of that. I wouldn't think of how much of him I see in my own son every time he wears Aaron's baseball cap. I wouldn't, not without November. Without those waving flags, that chill in the air, the onslaught of whatever Starbucks holiday mug makes its appearance -- without all of that, I'd just charge forward without the memories of a man who was once a boy who influenced my life for the better.
Without Aaron and with November, there will always and forever be Sadness. But you know what else there is? There is Joy. There is the Qatar Little League opening game; Drew's first baseball game playing for the Orioles. There are hotdogs and the National Anthem and snow cones and big sisters who get bored by it all. There is Jared and there is sweet little Gwenyth, who come to watch Drew play, to cheer him on, give him high fives, and love him like only Doha family could.
There is Olivia and her blue hair. There is Corinne, my Doha sister, who sits with us for hours to support Liv's smurftastic transformation. Corinne, who with true enthusiasm, pours over Pinterest to find just the right shade of "now I am thirteen" blue.
There is the warmth of my mom's famous Hearty Hodgepodge that I must make every November 7th for Olivia's birthday dinner. There is my little scrap of paper, tucked away in a cookbook, to be unearthed each and every November, with directions on how to prepare a proper Thanksgiving meal in the absence of my mother there to do it for me.
There is Zoey. Zoey with her heart so in tune to mine who calls me up from the store one early November day and says, "Mom, there is German chocolate cake mix at the store right now. That's Aaron's favorite."
"I know Zoey. I know it is."
Zoey who gets up early on a weekend day to watch her sister's hair turn blue. Zoey who gets up early on a weekend day to watch her brother's first baseball game. Zoey who just came in here and offered me the last cookie as I was typing.
There is Thanksgiving. There are our friends on this side of the world who we get to invite into our home and share a meal with. There is thankfulness. There is happiness. There is pumpkin pie, for gosh sakes! Pumpkin pie! Without November, there cannot be pumpkin pie. I actually don't even like pumpkin pie, but I do love whipped cream, and what better vehicle for whipped cream than a slice of pumpkin pie?
There are new Joys. There are old pangs of Sadness. November isn't bad. November just makes all the experiences richer, the Joy and the Sadness.
Because Pixar is far more clever than I am, let's talk about Sadness. This is the fourth November I have had to have a talk with Sadness. I tell her again and again, "Stay in your circle, Sadness!" No one likes Sadness. Every November, Sadness wins. But this one year, I might be okay with that win. I'll tell you why. All the other days, all the other months, I work and I play and I grocery shop. I teach, I prepare meals, I call home a couple times each month, I do laundry, I clean, I dream of future vacations and sometimes even get to plan them. I live. If I'm honest, Aaron rarely crosses my mind.
But, November. November won't have any of it. Sadness makes me think of him, and thinking of him isn't such a bad thing. I'm learning, as each November passes, how to do it better. I think of the times he made me mad. No one could or ever will be able to make me mad like he could. I think of the times he made me laugh. Gosh, he was funny. I think of his passion for wildlife, for his friends, for his dog, for life. I think of his great big belly laugh. I think of how he didn't care if weevils infested his spaghetti noodles. "Just boil 'em. The weevils will float to the top; you can just scoop 'em out." Gross. So gross. And, as Pixar taught me, without Sadness, I wouldn't think of any of that. I wouldn't think of how much of him I see in my own son every time he wears Aaron's baseball cap. I wouldn't, not without November. Without those waving flags, that chill in the air, the onslaught of whatever Starbucks holiday mug makes its appearance -- without all of that, I'd just charge forward without the memories of a man who was once a boy who influenced my life for the better.
Without Aaron and with November, there will always and forever be Sadness. But you know what else there is? There is Joy. There is the Qatar Little League opening game; Drew's first baseball game playing for the Orioles. There are hotdogs and the National Anthem and snow cones and big sisters who get bored by it all. There is Jared and there is sweet little Gwenyth, who come to watch Drew play, to cheer him on, give him high fives, and love him like only Doha family could.
There is Olivia and her blue hair. There is Corinne, my Doha sister, who sits with us for hours to support Liv's smurftastic transformation. Corinne, who with true enthusiasm, pours over Pinterest to find just the right shade of "now I am thirteen" blue.
There is the warmth of my mom's famous Hearty Hodgepodge that I must make every November 7th for Olivia's birthday dinner. There is my little scrap of paper, tucked away in a cookbook, to be unearthed each and every November, with directions on how to prepare a proper Thanksgiving meal in the absence of my mother there to do it for me.
There is Zoey. Zoey with her heart so in tune to mine who calls me up from the store one early November day and says, "Mom, there is German chocolate cake mix at the store right now. That's Aaron's favorite."
"I know Zoey. I know it is."
Zoey who gets up early on a weekend day to watch her sister's hair turn blue. Zoey who gets up early on a weekend day to watch her brother's first baseball game. Zoey who just came in here and offered me the last cookie as I was typing.
There is Thanksgiving. There are our friends on this side of the world who we get to invite into our home and share a meal with. There is thankfulness. There is happiness. There is pumpkin pie, for gosh sakes! Pumpkin pie! Without November, there cannot be pumpkin pie. I actually don't even like pumpkin pie, but I do love whipped cream, and what better vehicle for whipped cream than a slice of pumpkin pie?
There are new Joys. There are old pangs of Sadness. November isn't bad. November just makes all the experiences richer, the Joy and the Sadness.
